Tonight is all about "We miss you."

And I can’t forget your style or your cynicism, somehow it was like you were the first to listen to everything we said.
My smile’s an open wound without you, and my hands are tied to pages inked to bring you back.
Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can’t say.
(Tonight I’m writing you) a million miles away.

this side of the blue.

YOUR MASOCHISTIC BULLSHIT TIRES ME OUT. GAIN SOME PERSPECTIVE. SOME PEOPLE DON'T HAVE FULL HEALTH AND THE REST OF THEIR LIFE AHEAD OF THEM.
god i LOVE you, but sort your flipping head out.

.

“This time everyone has the best intentions. You have cancer. Let’s say
you have cancer. Let’s say you’ve swallowed a bad thing and now it’s
got its hands inside you. This is the essence of love and failure. You see
what I mean but you’re happy anyway, and that’s okay, it’s a love story
after all, a lasting love, a wonderful adventure with lots of action,
where the mirror says mirror and the hand says hand and the front
door never says Sorry Charlie. So the doctor says you need more
stitches and the bruise cream isn’t working. So much for the facts. Let’s
say you’re still completely in the dark but we love you anyway. We
love you. We really do.”

You Are Jeff - Richard Siken

Morse code.

*

She cried out and the crystal sang in reply.
Later, we exchanged signals.

*

'Help me fold these sheets, will you ?'

*

Whose side are you on ?

Is this how it feels to be in love ?

One night that i can really feel.

Walking up that hill today was like stepping into a dream. I cannot explain the feeling of discovering that the view is actually 360 degrees and everywhere you look there is something beautiful. Nothing can ever be perfect for me. But i think this place is as close to perfection as I will ever find, in a place to live.
I believe in being happy, above all else. And though september is going probably going to be the hardest time in my life so far, I believe it will be worth it.
I can't stick around. I just can't. It's sufforcating. Even the air is just not a fresh and clear as up here. I think connections will end up tearing away from each other, but that is the way of the world. There is nothing I can do.
I will love you forever and ever, across oceans, across timezones if necessary.
Really. Honestly.

There will be no consequences.

I know, I know, the doors won't close, the pipes all froze, just let it go.
Argue with me, I've got plenty of dishes and time, cords in a bind, knots that we make, fatal mistakes, let's recreate an easier time.
Because I still can't find you.

String your crossbow.

I was never the girl who kissed you on the mouth, but I was always the one that knew how you liked to be touched.
You were summer and winter, and stacks of unread books. You were adresses and stamps, and letters in ink.
Blossoms fell like snow that month and you curled your toes and wished for autumn.
Apparitions flew in the fields and slipped through dimensions on white wings and cold wind.
Spring lasted too long. You were never one for waiting.

This is the point where you split open and I paint you across my walls.

Sometimes I understand you too well.
I know what and when you want me.
And I know why.

It's creeping up again.

(It's all been considered.)
(It's a game and you're not the winner)

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not.

And you lock your doors like I've been here before, I feel like I've seen a ghost.
Suddenly between sheets and eyelids I am reminded why I don't do this.
I fall in love far too quickly, I never want her to forget me.
When you're gone, will you call? Will you write?

I'll be the last sound that you hear when your eyes close.

I’m nicotine, I’m coming clean, I fooled the crowd when I made it sound like I was more than ready, strike up the band deprive my sleep cause there’s no love like apathy. The bell that tolls rings loud enough that it should have woke us up.
I’m trying to find truth in words, in rhymes, in notes in all the things I wish I’d wrote cause I feel like I’ve been losing you
I read your last entry, over-privileged kids keep crying, the need to fit in gets harder when living life from a screen.
Old classmates please drop all your pens, don’t write a word cause I won't reply and I’m not bitter, no it's just I’ve passed that point in my life.
I’m trying to find truth in words, in rhymes, in notes in all the things I wish I'd wrote cause I feel like I’ve been losing you each night, it ends too soon you don’t hold me like you used to and your eyes look like they’ve seen too much 'cause it's always some excuse too tired, too obtuse you look so far, removed this time I fear I’m losing you for good.
I'm nicotine... I'm a cash machine, the color green and you should've seen the looks I just received. I need a reason to let go, an intervention, or a lullaby something to cure me, please believe me--
I’m trying to find truth in words, in rhymes, in notes in all the things I wish I'd wrote cause I feel like I’ve been losing you each night, it ends too soon you don’t hold me like you used to and your eyes look like they’ve seen too much but it's always some excuse tired, too obtuse you look so far removed this time I fear I’m just not getting through.

ton sur ton.

'Taken against the backdrop of her woodland home in Virginia, Sally Mann's black and white photographs of her children portray the universal qualities of dignity, individuality and intimacy. Sally Mann has exhibited and taught nationally. Her work is in collections including the Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York; the Museum of Modern Art, New York; the Smithsonian Institution, Washington D.C.; the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art; and the Whitney Museum of American Art, New York. She has received numerous awards including N.E.A. grants; N.E.H. grants; and a Guggenheim Foundation Fellowship.'

Showing off our teeth.

It's like they say, if you want something to be good and to work then it's worth waiting for

Hit the lights !

For a while there i thought i was different from you, that because i'd tried to fall for other girls after you that somehow defined me. Turns out i'm not that person, maybe i wanted to be because i'm secretly a big romantic at heart. yeah...
It's not me though. It's disappointing i guess but it makes things clearer.
I'm undefined. It's just easier.
I think, essentially you fall in love with who you fall in love with and you fancy who you fancy, you can't pretend to be something else. If you label yourself you just end up betraying the label and confusing yourself as well as everyone else.

I guess i don't really want to admit to my own disillusionment but putting it down here helps. I can picture my best friend jumping up and down shouting "I told you so !!". Nobody likes being on the recieveing end of that.

I make things hard and you're just trying to help.

We sent out the S.O.S. call.
It was a quarter past four, in the morning
When the storm broke our second anchor line.
Four months at sea. Four months of calm seas {only}
To be pounded in the shallows off the tip of Montauk Point.
They call 'em rogues. They travel fast and alone.
One hundred foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong.
What they call love is a risk,
'Cause you will always get hit
Out of nowhere by some wave
And end up on your own.
The hole in the hull defied the crew’s attempts,
To bail us out.
And flooded the engines and radio,
And half buried bow.
Your tongue is a rudder.
It steers the whole ship.
Sends your words past your lips
Or keeps them safe behind your teeth.
But the wrong words will strand you.
Come off course while you sleep.
Sweep your boat out to sea
Or dashed to bits on the reef.
The vessel groans
The ocean pressures its frame.
To the port I see the lighthouse
Through the sleet and the rain.
And I wish for one more day to give my
Love and repay debts.
But the morning finds our bodies washed up thirty miles west.
They say that the captain stays fast with the ship,
Through still and storm,
But this ain't the Dakota,
And the water's so cold,
{We} won't have to fight for long.
(This is the end.)
This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear,
(This is the calm.)
Calm me and let me taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath,
(We are the risen.)
I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea,
(After the storm.)
I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean,
(Rest in the sea.)
I know that this is what you want, a funeral keeps both of us apart.
(Washed up on the beach.)
You know that you are not alone, I need you like water in my lungs.
This is the end.
...You never do see any other way...

A shift in the river.

I have no idea why I feel so horrible, I think i'm like, emotionally challenged or something. For some reason I thought all that would make me feel better about myself, i guess it kind of did ? But I still hate sleeping alone and I still want something that I can't even explain because I'm that kind of confused person, in general. Of course, it could be the narcotics. They have been known to fuck your head up.

The letter delivered, the year decembered.

I am your outcome, the verb in the sentence, intransitive, end of the road, hook and bait, polestar and checkmate, time and space as I observe them serve me like gravity, lamp to your moth, dot to your map, home and heart and hearth, a selfishness, submit, surrender, I am your arrival, there is no refusal, we are here, you see, together, we are already here...

Fear and loathing.

I am a bird, I wish for a boy or a girl, someone with fear and loss and hope and ideas and the softest skin and bones like sticks.
I will always be wishing, adequacies are for the weak, nothing will ever be good enough, nothing will ever fight me with teeth and nails but love me like you did do.

.

You know those nights when you just can't sleep at all, but it's better to have someone there with you ?
Well, yeah... : )

For all my charms.

Right way wrong way ears of an ass.

A white winter, a victory, commas and cars, snow laden trees, a kiss and a fear, hot coffee, capitals, journeys to god knows where, a long cold season, lovers freeze on trains and i find myself heated from within, leaving daylight for this appartment under city starlight, fight or flight, wind and winter, a punch and a kiss.
What do you want from me ? Because i will give it.

This is the price you pay for loss of control,

This is the break in the bend,
This is the closest of calls,
This is the reason you're alone,
This is the rise and fall.