Hit the lights !

For a while there i thought i was different from you, that because i'd tried to fall for other girls after you that somehow defined me. Turns out i'm not that person, maybe i wanted to be because i'm secretly a big romantic at heart. yeah...
It's not me though. It's disappointing i guess but it makes things clearer.
I'm undefined. It's just easier.
I think, essentially you fall in love with who you fall in love with and you fancy who you fancy, you can't pretend to be something else. If you label yourself you just end up betraying the label and confusing yourself as well as everyone else.

I guess i don't really want to admit to my own disillusionment but putting it down here helps. I can picture my best friend jumping up and down shouting "I told you so !!". Nobody likes being on the recieveing end of that.

I make things hard and you're just trying to help.

We sent out the S.O.S. call.
It was a quarter past four, in the morning
When the storm broke our second anchor line.
Four months at sea. Four months of calm seas {only}
To be pounded in the shallows off the tip of Montauk Point.
They call 'em rogues. They travel fast and alone.
One hundred foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong.
What they call love is a risk,
'Cause you will always get hit
Out of nowhere by some wave
And end up on your own.
The hole in the hull defied the crew’s attempts,
To bail us out.
And flooded the engines and radio,
And half buried bow.
Your tongue is a rudder.
It steers the whole ship.
Sends your words past your lips
Or keeps them safe behind your teeth.
But the wrong words will strand you.
Come off course while you sleep.
Sweep your boat out to sea
Or dashed to bits on the reef.
The vessel groans
The ocean pressures its frame.
To the port I see the lighthouse
Through the sleet and the rain.
And I wish for one more day to give my
Love and repay debts.
But the morning finds our bodies washed up thirty miles west.
They say that the captain stays fast with the ship,
Through still and storm,
But this ain't the Dakota,
And the water's so cold,
{We} won't have to fight for long.
(This is the end.)
This story's old but it goes on and on until we disappear,
(This is the calm.)
Calm me and let me taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath,
(We are the risen.)
I am the one who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea,
(After the storm.)
I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean,
(Rest in the sea.)
I know that this is what you want, a funeral keeps both of us apart.
(Washed up on the beach.)
You know that you are not alone, I need you like water in my lungs.
This is the end.
...You never do see any other way...

A shift in the river.

I have no idea why I feel so horrible, I think i'm like, emotionally challenged or something. For some reason I thought all that would make me feel better about myself, i guess it kind of did ? But I still hate sleeping alone and I still want something that I can't even explain because I'm that kind of confused person, in general. Of course, it could be the narcotics. They have been known to fuck your head up.

The letter delivered, the year decembered.

I am your outcome, the verb in the sentence, intransitive, end of the road, hook and bait, polestar and checkmate, time and space as I observe them serve me like gravity, lamp to your moth, dot to your map, home and heart and hearth, a selfishness, submit, surrender, I am your arrival, there is no refusal, we are here, you see, together, we are already here...

Fear and loathing.

I am a bird, I wish for a boy or a girl, someone with fear and loss and hope and ideas and the softest skin and bones like sticks.
I will always be wishing, adequacies are for the weak, nothing will ever be good enough, nothing will ever fight me with teeth and nails but love me like you did do.

.

You know those nights when you just can't sleep at all, but it's better to have someone there with you ?
Well, yeah... : )

For all my charms.

Right way wrong way ears of an ass.

A white winter, a victory, commas and cars, snow laden trees, a kiss and a fear, hot coffee, capitals, journeys to god knows where, a long cold season, lovers freeze on trains and i find myself heated from within, leaving daylight for this appartment under city starlight, fight or flight, wind and winter, a punch and a kiss.
What do you want from me ? Because i will give it.

This is the price you pay for loss of control,

This is the break in the bend,
This is the closest of calls,
This is the reason you're alone,
This is the rise and fall.